Can You identify the girl in the picture? I bet you can't.
Came across this joke today in Maxim's January 2009 issue.
Height of embarrassment: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first. OUCH!! Gave me stomach cramps this one.
Read this. Which brings us to the question "How much of sexual liberty is good?" and "Is sexual education doing any good in the west?" then why should we introduce it in India. This is total erosion of family values. Is mindless westernization eating into our Indian culture?
Results of moral extremism. Thank god they didn't go ahead with wedding plans.
Now, everybody's talking about Valentine's day and talking about crushes and love, I thought I should share a story. Now this story doesn't start with 'Once upon a time' coz that places the story quite a few ages back. I would say the story takes place about 15-16 years back in a small school of a very small town of say Chattisgarh(erstwhile M.P). The story is about a boy. Let's name him 'A'. A girl named Vanita also studied with him in the same class. (Vanita btw is also synonym for 'woman' in Hindi) There was something about this girl, that whenever he set his eyes on her, his heart would start racing like a car clocking 180 on the highway. He could never explain it. May be it was her starry eyes, or the braided hair or the rosy cheeks or the pink lips. Nah, it just wasn't a single thing.
And then there was her birthday. While everyone was singing the happy birthday song, 'A' left his seat and approached her. He wished her happy b'day and then kissed her on the lips. Next thing he remembered was the shocked look on Vanita's face as he was being dragged away by Acharya sir with a look of repugnance as if someone had farted on his face. On the way, Acharya sir asked him 'Maa-baap ne yehi sikhaya hai?' to which he replied 'Nahi....Khud se seekha hai' and then he felt his ear getting strained beyond its elastic limit. That was the last time he swore to god that he would ever speak the truth. He was taken to principal's office and his parents were called for and then there was the 'Sanskar-Sanskriti' lecture. By the way 'A' still hasn't been able to figure out what the heck is this 'Sanskar-Sanskriti' thing.
Later that evening 'A' saw Madhuri's breast-popping number 'Dhak Dhak karne laga' and he forgot all about Vanita. ;)
Disclaimer:All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
My bro is taking in loads of proteins into his body. I was intrigued coz he's not into body building and all. So, I asked him the reason and he said, 'She is two inches taller than me.' Aww...so that brings us to the question I'm gonna put forward to the guys that 'Would you go out with someone who's taller than you?' and to the gals that 'Wouldn't you want your guy to be taller than you or it doesn't matter.'
My opinion...well I wouldn't go out with a girl who's taller than me. It would eat me all the time or may be I can make an exception if she's like ridiculously rich. Yeah...Yeah...You can call me male chauvinistic pig...I don't fuckin' care.
I was reading Nita's post about parenting. Couldn't help as my thoughts ventured into how I was brought up. In my family, my dad was the lenient type and mom the stricter one. Initially, my mom didn't venture into the academic portion of my upbringing; that was left to my dad. But then two things happened.
1. A KV(Kendriya Vidyalaya) opened in Dongargarh( a tehsil about 4 hours from Bhilai). In those days, KV in dongargarh was a big thing coz there wasn't a single real school in there( I think it still is). This would be like opening of a CCD/Mc.D in Kharagpur. So, every parent in dgg wanted to send their wards to this prestigious school.
2. Plague broke out in Surat which meant that my father had to go to tend to the patients which also meant that he was not present to help me prepare with the entrance test to the school.(this is Class 3 I'm talking about)
I of course failed. I actually failed in Hindi and passed in English and Mathematics. Yes, once upon a time I was very weak in Hindi. My father had to use his sources and bribe the principal to eventually secure my admission in that school.
My mom obviously didn't like it wee bit coz I was in that school solely due to my father. It was then that she decided to take my academic affairs into her hands. She obviously had lost faith in my father's lackadaisical tutelage. I had just managed to score 60% marks in Class 1 and Class 2. Time to straighten up the kid.
The study sessions with her were torturous to say the least. Ear-twisting and hair plucking were common affairs to her plus I was not allowed to cry. She would bark at the top of her voice,'Kante baron korechi!!'(You are not allowed to cry).
So, what would follow would be this wheezing sound followed by pause and then again the wheezing sound and a pause in alternating patterns.
She was of course brilliantly trained by Grandpa. The story of my grandpa goes like this. He craved for a son to carry out his family name and tried very hard. But, every time a girl child would be born to him. Eventually the number stopped at 7(my mom was no. 4). You can imagine how pissed off this guy must have been and how much love he must have showered upon his daughters. Add to that my mother unfulfilled wish for graduation.(She was married off half way through her graduation) No wonder all those pent up frustration came crashing down onto me. Damn you Grandpa!!
One of her favorite rants would be,'Salar okal kusmondo, kon ku khone poida hoe chilis, jobe teke poida hoye chis jaliye pudiye kheli'. This roughly translates into O thy wretched son, you have caused me innumerable sufferings since the moment you were born to me.' Translation really takes the edge off.
I remember one particular incident when after repeated instructions I forgot to put the chandra-bindu on madhumakhiyan, she in a belligerent tone told me to get out of her sight. So, I stood up and started to walk out of the house. 'Aye! where are you going?' She screamed back. 'I think you told me to...isn't this what you told me.' I scratched my head in confusion. 'Come back.' She said after banging her head into her palm.
The standards set by her in academics were very high. I remember she started crying when I stood third in class 5 after coming first in class 4. That was really funny. But, more funny was that I had to act remorseful and really try hard not to break into a laugh in front of her.Later that night at dinner, she said that I should quit studying and that she would ask Dad to open a pan-shop for me.'Yeah, okay...I'll take up the offer.' I replied in a jestful way. She visited my school the next day, and made sure that every teacher knew how I had become negligent with my studies.
I see these American way of bringing up kids and how they are 'grounded' and I think I was grounded for the first 16 years of life!! A fixed one hour of TV-viewing and that too DD-1. Yeah, that's true. I wonder how I turned up sane. There was also just two hours of fixed play-time. I remember messing this up too one day.
Now, no kid wants to drink milk. My mother insisted that I should finish up my glass before heading out to play. In my hurry the glass slipped out of my hands and the milk spilled all over the floor. My mom didn't acknowledge that as a mistake and assumed it to be one of my mischiefs. So, she locked me up in the bathroom. Peeved on denied the chance to play, I decided, 'I have had enough of this life.' I flushed each and every soap down the toilet and emptied the shampoo and oil bottles on the floor. I seriously wished that may be she will after go through her threat of drilling a hole through my neck with the kitchen knife if I cause enough problems for her. Nothing of that sort happened otherwise I wouldn't have been writing all this. Isn't it? ;)
Over the years, her image for me has changed from the gigantic eight-headed, eight-legged grotesque monster (when every direction would reverberate with 'Bhago, mummy aa rahi hai') to a lady who is too much preoccupied to see her sons stand on their legs. I say to her 'Maa, in case you didn't notice we have been standing on our legs since we were 1 year old.' Bhagwan, Maa ko sadbudhhi de
'Yeah, Darwin suggests so.' I answered.
'Must be true. You know how I'm sure of it. That American lady who plays tennis, she exactly looks like one.'
My father and I burst out in laughters. Poor Darwin. He had to undergo several years of research and that too on finches to arrive at the same conclusion.
On Sunday times editorial page, M J Akbar in his article 'India, Pak aren't neighbors; they are worlds apart' suggests 'If a poll were taken in India, asking whether Pakistan should be relocated in Latin America, the answer would be an unanimous yes.' I think Mr. Akbar completely misses the point. Even if such a poll is taken in Pakistan, before casting any choice the question asked would be 'Who gets to keep Kashmir?' ;)
Akbar should have known better. Personally, I feel India should be relocated right past Brazil. That way the carnival dancers would be just stone's throw away from us. :D
Few things are as revered in Brazilian culture as the bunda-the female posterior. Just like God who's omnipresent in here, the bunda has its conspicuous presence in there.
PS: I always had this feeling that I was born in the wrong country.
Just thought of sharing this with you.
Yes, I’m talking about the buzz of the town. The song on everybody’s lips. Here’s the emosanal atyachaar. Few things about the song
1. Abhay Deol gulping down a whole khamba of smirnoff at one go.
2.The dance of the bride. Kya kamar lachkayi hai!! and the petrified look on the face of the groom…huhaa.
3. I want this Harish band at my wedding orchestra. I simply love it.
4. Eagerly waiting for Anurag Kashyap’s take on Devdas.
1. We decided to watch Ghajini at the local Bombay cinema hall. Have to say that it’s loads better than Rab ne bana di jodi. Total paisa wasool film. But, perhaps seeing it at the local theatre made the whole experience more enjoyable. I think Local theatres are far better than multiplexes.
i) They are like way way cheaper than multiplexes (ideal in a world of recession).
ii) You can whistle, yell, make cat calls, wohoo at any point in the movie you like. Believe me no one will stop you.
iii) You can stretch your legs in any direction you want. Again, no restriction.
iv) And this one takes the pie. If you manage to get hold of the first seats on balcony, you can spit your chewing gums on the people sitting below. How cool is that!!
The film was pretty good. But, only one thing kept bothering us after the film. Why did aamir had to add ‘yai yai yai yai’ while singing ‘Gujarish’? We think it was Aamir’s over acting. What do you think?
2. After coming to room, decided to go for deep sleep only to wake up next day( i.e. 1st). Half way through the sleep, my friend started buzzing me on gtalk. Damn!! forgot to sign out. Well, here’s what we talked more or less.
friend: Oye! Kya kar raha hai?
me: Kuch nahi soo raha tha. Jaga diya.
friend: Soo raha hai. You are acting a fuckin loser man!! Today is 31st. Aur tu soo raha hai??
me: What do you expect?? I’m unemployed.
friend: Chal na daru pee ke palat jate hai.
me: Great idea. But, I don’t have any money.
friend: Arey koi baat nahi. Main pilata hun.
me: Dude!! tu hi mera sabse pyaara aur saccha dost hai.
Well, I woke up just few hours ago after last night’s party.
PS: In case, the fight sequences of Ghajini didn’t make you laugh here’s a link that will guarantee you a hearty laugh.
Yeah. That’s what came outta my mouth when I got the following results. See for yourself.
In case you can’t see the pic properly it says ‘We think http://aks-e-abhishek.blogspot.com is written by a woman(83%).
I don’t think I am a feminist at all. I dropped an already dead girl from the 4th storey of a building for god’s sake. It would be really interesting to see how it turns out for you guys. Do try it for my sake plzzz. The site is http://genderanalyzer.com/
PS: Coming to think of it I am not even Bi-sexual. Damn! 83% is too big a number. Or may be I am a woman trapped inside a body of a man. LOLzzz. Maybe the lovely pic of Alessandra Ambrosio on my last post is confusing them.
"The Bihari guy that comes over at minu's says he drinks a liter of milk everyday." That was my Mom trying to motivate me into drinking milk again.
I have a weird situation going on in my house where my brother’s gf has to call on my mobile in order to talk to him (he’s still in school…so no mobile of his own). I also have to make sure that my mom doesn’t get a whiff of this situation otherwise she’s gonna smack his ass white. (He’s supposed to seriously prepare for JEE et al)
So, a couple of days back she gives a call while we were having our family dinner. I went out to attend her call. Here’s what happened…
“Hello…”
“ Hello…Hi…Is Anirban at home?”
“ Yeah…But he can’t talk to you right now…How about you call after 1 hour?”
“ How about you give him the phone right now…And I mean right now.” She demanded.
You can’t argue after that…Can you?
So, I summoned my brother and we got ourselves into our dungeon (separate extension to our house where we keep our stuff and no one’s allowed except us). All along while he tried to talk to her in hushed tones, I kept on thinking stories to present before the prosecutor once we return to the living room. After he was finished talking he had the “Dude, we are so busted!!” look. I reassured him with my “I got your back dude” look. :P
When we returned to the living room, here’s what happened.
“ So, who was she?” (ha-ha…and you thought there was no way she could have known it was a ‘she’. For a start, I was startled too. But, then I was reminded of her super hearing power (she has super sight too). But the key to an expert lie is not to flinch one bit. Don’t bat an eyelid in case of change of situation. Since there’s no time to invent a new lie, it is advisable to stick to the original one and bring in slight modifications as and when required. Important thing is to maintain the eye contact and no stammering.)
“ ummm…my friend.”
“Since when did you have female friends?” (that was insulting)
I just gave my really surprised look in protest (eyelids pulled wide apart and hands drawn out showing the full face of the palms…although I was not really surprised at her comment)
And she continued “So why did she want to talk to…”
(Here’s where you cut in before she completes the sentence if you want to sell your story) “Remember you telling me to search for good physics teacher among the IITians…well my friend is very good at physics and she has agreed to teach him. She wanted to talk to him in private about it and get to know where he stands in terms of the amount of course he has covered as of now.”
“ So, when will she be teaching him?”
“ Sunday evenings sounded good.”
“hmm…” She sounded convinced by my story.
Later on we shared our high fives and low fives. It was win-win for all three for us. Now, my bro gets a weekly time off to visit his gf. My mom thinks his son is in good hands and learning physics. As for me I get a cool Rs 2000 p.m. (that’s my fictitious female friend’s fees). Never thought swindling money out of mom would be so gratifying.
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