Aks

‘Physical fitness…a term more and more people are getting acquainted with and are incorporating in their lives. That’s precisely the reason this place will be swarming with people in a few moments from now. More and more people trying to extend their lives, stretching out the window in hope of enjoying more out of life…at least that’s what the tabloids and the crispy buttered editions of the newspapers, health magazines are trying to sell. For me it has held a different meaning altogether…it’s more of an appendage that comes with the job profile.’

‘Shit…I’m late again. I have still 1 km left and people are already trickling in.’ I mumbled to myself. I realized that I have to come up a lot early to avoid people. People make me nervous. Minimum human contact just suited me well. And then I saw her. She used to come to the park daily, take a walk, settle down on the bench and then watch other people’s activities. I had noticed her observing me astutely one or two times before. She made me fidgety. I decided to sprint the last two rounds of the park and get the fuck outta there. After completing my rounds in a jiffy as I was getting off, I decided to look her way one last time. I stood in my tracks. Strangely enough, I decided to have a talk with her.

‘Hiii…ni..nice…mor…morning. Isn’t it?’ I could feel my vocal chords making a myriad frequencies at the same time. Years of lost human contact had made me pathetic at casual human conversation. She pretended not to notice me.

‘May I sit here?’ I asked not sure what else to say. ‘This is a public place. Sit where ever the fuck you want to. Why are you asking me?’ She didn’t seem in any mood to converse.

‘True…Very true’ I mumbled to myself. ‘Would you like to hear a story?’ I asked with apprehension. ‘What am I…eight?’ She was riled at my intrusion and clearly wanted to be left alone. ‘I was talking to the dog.’ I pointed at the dog sitting at her feet. ‘The dog??’ She asked puzzled by my conduct.

‘Yeah…I do that often. Talk to cats and dogs. Hello, Mr…Dog. Hope you don’t mind telling you a story about my dog.’ I sounded like a totally goofy man. The dog began to wag his tail happy that finally some one was paying attention to him. She buried her ears inside her arms, trying hard to ignore me. ‘Well, my dog’s name was Skimpy. Actually he was a bitch. You know bitch as in the feminine gender of dog not in the sense humans’ use it of course.’ I cackled at myself for making that funny statement. At least it sounded funny to me. I continued with my story. ‘Well she was well liked by all of us. She had long golden hairy coat over her body that looked very beautiful. And then one day out of the blue, my brother started to burn her hairs, one matchstick at the time. She just stood there trying to comprehend what was happening to her. She didn’t even cry. Didn’t even move.’ And then I stopped.

A long pause followed. ‘What happened next?’ She asked. I smiled back. ‘I thought you weren’t listening.’ I replied teasingly. ‘Oh…Ohk…don’t tell me…I don’t care.’ She sounded offended at my remark. ‘I intervened…told my brother to back off.’ ‘What did your mother had to say?’ She appeared more than interested in the story now. ‘Nothing…nothing at all.’

‘Mothers…oh mothers!!’ She broke into an incoherent laugh.

‘So why do people do shit?’ She let out a sigh. ‘Is the world a big shit-hole. She enquired.

‘Well, not all of it. But, yeah shitty things happen all the time. The irony is you can’t explain all those shit. Shit just happens. The problem arises when you try to explain or justify the shit…but since no answer actually exists you just keep on going about in circles. The important thing in life is to avoid getting shit or sort out the shit once get into one. Do you understand the shit I’m trying to explain to you here?’ I was exhausted by the end of my lecture on shit and didn’t myself know the kind of shit I was talking about.

‘Do you believe in god?’ She was taking me as if I was like some spiritual guru who had unlocked all the mysteries of life.

‘Going by the state of things either he/she doesn’t exist or he/she doesn’t give a shit.’ A long pause followed when no one talked. She kept on looking at the group of old couples doing yoga on the park.

‘I think I should be going now.’ I said standing up. She didn’t say anything as I left the place.

Next day as I reached the station, ready to leave that place, I saw her waving at me. I moved past her ignoring her completely. ‘How did she know I was going today?’ The thought puzzled me. As I sat on the bench waiting for the train to arrive, she came around to sit by my side.

‘He died yesterday. Slipped on a pool of oil on the floor and banged his head on the floor. Bled to death with no one to help. The police are assuming it to be an accident. But, then you must be knowing this.’ I kept silent.

‘Yesterday…Was it your first time?’ She asked. ‘What??’ I sounded a trifle bit alarmed. ‘Stalking 16 year olds like me.’ She added with a spark in her eyes. ‘Yeah…How did I do?’ I smiled meekly. ‘It was pretty good for a first time.’

The train had already entered the platform. ‘How did you know?’ She asked as I got up from my seat. ‘The dog.’ I said. ‘The dog?’ She was perplexed now. ‘On other days, when the dog used to come to you who would cuddle him. But, yesterday when it approached you, you curled up like a ball as if trying to conserve something you had lost. And then as you talked to me I could see the effort to hold back your tears.

‘When can I meet you again?’ She asked as I prepared to board the train. ‘Never. I never visit the same place twice.’ I replied.

‘You are supposed to mourn your father’s death. Don’t look too happy. Have a Happy New Year and learn to pull your shit together.’ I added with a pause as the train whistled for leave.

‘Thank you.’ She whispered with tear glistened moist eyes.

Phew!! Phase-I of placements over. Just 50% junta placed in 22 days. Recession has, well not only distributed pink-slips in bounty, it has made sure that creation of new jobs almost impossible. Industrial output has fallen for the first time since 1993. 3 wing mates still berozgar, so not a very merry Christmas after all. Last year it was raining money in here with 90% placed inside 7 days. Compared to that it has been a real eye opener this year. Hmm…let’s see what the new year has in store for us.

PS: Waise suna hai ki Bihar me IITians ka bhav 50 lakh hai. Koi bihari ladki nazar me hai to batao bhaiya :P

Yeah. That’s what came outta my mouth when I got the following results. See for yourself.

In case you can’t see the pic properly it says ‘We think http://aks-e-abhishek.blogspot.com is written by a woman(83%).

I don’t think I am a feminist at all. I dropped an already dead girl from the 4th storey of a building for god’s sake. It would be really interesting to see how it turns out for you guys. Do try it for my sake plzzz. The site is http://genderanalyzer.com/

PS: Coming to think of it I am not even Bi-sexual. Damn! 83% is too big a number. Or may be I am a woman trapped inside a body of a man. LOLzzz. Maybe the lovely pic of Alessandra Ambrosio on my last post is confusing them.

It was a sultry Sunday afternoon. After browsing through the NY times best seller list, being a book worm I am, I couldn’t stop myself and rushed to the Inorbit mall. Surprisingly for a Sunday, the mall wore a deserted look. As I hopped through the escalator, my eyes caught a fleeting glance of a pretty face going down.

‘Should I turn?.’ and then what?. ‘Talk to her?? Sure…nothing can be lamer than that. What would I talk about?? That you are pretty and I thought I should stop and talk to you. Anyways I always fuck things up while talking to girls. I should probably be heading towards Crossword.’ As I stood there transfixed pondering over things, a mellifluent voice struck my ears.

‘Hi’. I turned around to see the very same cherubic face standing right in front of me. ‘I’ve been looking for the Crosswords outlet here and frankly, for the past half and hour or so I’ve been going up and down the escalators. Can you help me out?’ she blurted out after a hesitant start.

She wore a sexy black halter with a deep V neckline with crossover details. An argent matinee necklace sat on the top of her cleavage. The waist was banded with a mock belt buckle. Neatly ironed tresses sat imperviously on her naked shoulders. Silvery white hoop earrings with black beads added a tinge of funk to her appearance. The mascara on her big black eyes added a mystic aura to her visage. She also smelled good…I was guessing something floral maybe.

‘Umm…I think I’ll try finding it on my own’, her voice trailed off in a quaint manner. She narrowed her eyes trying to understand my mesmerized stance. ‘Thanks for your help.’ She added reluctantly before turning around to walk away from me.

‘Stop…err…wait…Umm…I am going there too. It’s actually right around the corner. You can come with me.’ I finally managed to open my mouth.

‘Oh…Ok.’

‘You know…for a minute there, I really thought you were dumb, not the foolish dumb but dumb as in a disability’, she said clarifying things. ‘But I can understand my revealing couture coming as very strong to you.’ She smiled as she adjusted her hair. I smiled back sheepishly.

‘So are you looking for some specific author?’ I asked trying to strike up a conversation. ‘Nah, I am more of a NY Times best seller reader. I like John Grisham though. What about you?’

‘Me too. And I am not making this up’, I added hesitantly. A wry smile spread across her face.

‘How may I help you?’ The man at the front desk offered his assistance.

‘Two copies of ‘4th of July’. Isn’t it?’ She turned around looking for my approval.

‘Yeah.’ I nodded in agreement.

Collecting our copies we headed out. ‘Today’s hot. Ain’t it? How about a cold drink or two before heading out. What do you say?’ ‘Sure.’ I said. How could I say no to such an enticing offer from an equally enticing lady. Things were looking up for me. It was looking like a surreal dream as we stepped onto the escalator.

Grabbing our cokes we sat across a table in the food court. As we sat beneath the glass skylight overlooking the naturally lighted atrium, I noticed we were the only people left there. She began to check the messages on her mobile as she sipped on her drink. I continued gazing at her. A long and eerie silence followed occasionally disrupted by her gentle tapping of fingers. Her nails were properly filed and shaped. From what it looked like I think they were polished in ocean blue color.

‘Say Something.’ She finally broke the silence. I usually don’t have much to talk about and this situation was nothing new to me. I knew I would end up saying something really stupid. She looked at me, intently waiting to hear something.

‘You …are… pregnant.’ I blurted out with apprehension.

She leaned forward to rest her chin on her palm. ‘What???’ She was bewildered beyond bewilderment. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had chosen to bludgeon me to death with her high heels.

‘I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to hurt you and it was nice meeting you. I am sorry. Sorry again. Sorry.’ I decided to scamper out of that place keeping my life intact.

‘Whoa…Whoa…Whoa…Where do you think you are going? Come back here and explain what the fuck just happened?’ She was furious. I stopped in my tracks, pretty sure that she had her stilettos on her hands hiding beneath the table.

‘There’s nothing to explain.’ I replied as I came back to sit. ‘I observe things and draw conclusions from them. For e.g. the dress you are wearing is obviously to divert people’s attention from your slightly swollen abdomen towards your strapless back and your long legs. You have a freckled nose. You also have a motion sickness patch attached to the back of your neck and well, your breasts have outgrown your usual bra size. Try 34C’s. I’m guessing it’s your 3rd week.’

‘Impressive.’ The ire in her eyes had subsided. ‘So, do you act this creepy with every girl?’ ‘Sort of, yeah.’ I replied shrugging my shoulder.

‘You know, I’m kinda relieved that you found out about the pregnancy. Wouldn’t you wanna know who’s the father of the baby? It’s you.’ She said it with a straight face. I broke into a nervous cackle. ‘I know what you are doing here. I had freaked you out earlier and this is your way of getting back at me.’ She maintained her stoic expressions. ‘But it is in fact not the case judging by your staid expression.

‘What’s going on? Care to explain.’ My surreal dream had taken an uncanny turn. Crisscrossing her legs, she leaned forward. ‘You think this is the first time we are meeting today. Well, I’ve got news for you. I’ve been running around you for the past five years. You forget me after each day and so I have to start afresh each day. Not being able to find Crossword when it’s right in front of you is a pretty lame excuse, don’t you think?’

The situation looked like a direct rip-off from ‘50 First Dates’. I sat in complete silence as I tried to sink what she had just said. ‘Now see you are not making sense. You said you’ve been following me for the past five years but you’ve pregnant for 3 weeks only and I know I wouldn’t sleep with a girl just after 1 day.’ I myself didn’t sound very convincing. ‘Did I?’ I asked with a parched throat.

‘No, you didn’t. But things are not as simple as it looks. You’ll have a clearer picture once I get rid of you today.’

Nothing made sense. ‘Get rid of me?’ I asked perplexed by the turn of events. ‘Yeah. It’s time that you move on.’

‘Move on to what?’ I asked trying to figure out her statements.

‘You’ll know when you get there.’ Another piece of inconclusive remark. ‘What is this girl up to?’  I thought to myself. ‘Let’s go.’ She stood up to leave the Restaurant. We didn’t talk as we walked unhurriedly towards the escalator. ‘How’s she going to get rid of me?’ I thought to myself. She slowed down to lean against the railing. ‘It’s time.’ She smiled. I noticed that someone had sliced right through the top rail as well as plate of the balustrade.

‘Wait…Stop.’ I screamed. But it was already late. The railing gave in to her weight as she flung across it. I leaped forward to catch hold of her arm just in time. ‘So this was your brilliant idea to get rid of me. If you wanted to get rid of me so bad, you could have just walked away and never come back the next day. Gosh! you are heavy.’ I blabbered as I gasped for breath.

‘I told you it’s not so simple. You don’t understand now. Just lemme go.’ She was down to tears as she spoke these words.

‘What?? No, no, no. Look, all you have to do is extend your other arm and then I’ll pull you over. We can then have a nice discussion about it and I promise, I’ll never forget you after this.’ I tried to reason with her.

‘You are not paying attention. Just let me go and everything will be alright.’ My eyes turned blind with confusion as her serene face turned all battered and bruised. Her black dress turned violet as she began to bleed from all over her body. My mind went numb as I felt all my neurons firing up at the same instant.

‘Let me go.’ She pleaded as I felt my grip losing over her and her velvety hands slip by mine.

‘I’ll always love you.’ She whispered as she went down. My heart went cold with fear. I know her…I realized.

‘Shhweettaa…’ A man screams out of his comma in Breach Candy Hospital. The calendar by his bed side displayed:  8 p.m., Tuesday, 26-11-2013.

‘Look look look’, Utki was animatedly pointing at something. We all turned around to see a bottle being played around in the waves.

‘He has finally lost his mind’ , all of us thought.

‘What???’, he was taken aback by the lack of response from us. ‘You don’t get it, do you? Arey! the bottle is broken at the bottom and a terrorist is using it to breathe underneath the sea.’

‘Ohhh’, exclaimed everyone dawning upon the epiphany. ‘Arey! Patel, throw your cap on the bottle’s mouth. We’ll suffocate the damn terrorist to death’, Kaka added the killer line and we finally burst into wild laughs.

That was ‘we’ being ‘we’ on our way to elephanta Caves from the Gateway of India. The thought of terrorists coming from the very same route was so outrageous at that point of time and yet, something similar happened on 26/11. During our internship at Mumbai, we used to ogle at Taj and Trident, hoping that someday we could afford to go inside the poshest places of Mumbai.

Someone of the things that’s gonna happen/already happening over the past few days are:

1. India’s gonna declare that they have documents supporting Pakistan’s hand in the terrorist attack. Oh! sure. We do have documents after every such attacks. But what are you doing with those documents??Wiping your ass off every time you take a shit and no, I’m  not suggesting nuking Pakistan. That would be downright foolish. But, why are we still trying to maintain a relationship with that country. That country has never been our friend for the past 60 years and its never going to be for the next 60 million. Why isn’t India hell bent on raising International economic sanctions. I can’t imagine USA or China sitting pretty, while a god-forbidden country keeps on raping them again and again.

The irony of the situation is we can never get square with Pakistan. We would then, have to breed militants in our country, export them across the the border, instruct them to kill their civilians indiscriminately and keep on doing it year after year. That’d be about square. Like totally square.

2.Pakistan is going to deny that it has got anything to do behind the attacks. Of course, we believe you. You are the most sanctimonious country present on the face of earth that uses 90% of its resources on finding new ways to fuck with our country. I don’t know how our Intelligence Bureau keeps coming with your name. I wonder who hires the twonks over there.

3.Political leaders will come to visit the injured at the hospitals. Jeez, I don’t know what to say. Mai to touch ho gayaji, by god. You actually made time from playing your petty vote bank politics and mud slinging to visit us. Well, I would like to say thank you for allotting your precious time and do hope that you’ll be visiting us again after the next terrorist attack and don’t forget to bring the media with you. Wo kya hai na, accha image banta hai. Waise twadi security cover to mast hai ji. Suna hai hamare tax ke paiso se aati hai. Wah ji Wah!! tumhari to khub aish hai. Aisa hai na ki thoda time mile to aam aadmi ki securty ke baare me soch lena. Nai Nai …koi jaldi nai hai, na hi koi zor zabardasti. Thik hai na??

4.The government will announce economic compensations for the dead policemen and army officials. Oh! sure you will…well thank you…wait a minute, weren’t you wimps were the ones refusing the Sixth Pay Commission to the Army(one of the few organization left who actually have men). Make sure that Vimla Devi fiasco doesn’t happen again. Vimla who?? Arey! the widow of Nanak Chand. Nanak who?? Arey! the policeman whose ass got busted while trying to save your ass at the parliament. Remember Now??I wonder if you people would have been as callous and indifferent as you are now, if one of the politicians had managed to catch a bullet.

5.This is not going to happen but still its my ardent appeal to the terrorists that the next time you give a visit to our country, take down the two clowns in our political system. One has already stepped down from the home ministry, but the other one is still clinging to his CM’s chair. What will we say…oh its interesting. I have already prepared the press release. Here it goes: ‘These small things happen in such a big country as ours. We got lucky this time. Actually they had come to clear the whole political brass but managed to catch hold of only two.’

Well it has been a really long post and I’ll understand if you aren’t able to reach to the end. But, all these things were simmering inside me and I had to vent it out. I had my voter ID card made this year but seeing the inept people at the helm of affairs, I am not too excited about finally being able to vote. Who’s to blame for this?? If we are looking for the guilty, do we need to look into a mirror??